Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
