all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
