Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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