I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
