He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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