In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
