Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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