i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
