I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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