I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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