using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
