It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A bitchslap is in order.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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