so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
