How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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