There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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