Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
