Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize