i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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