I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
