I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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