craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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