i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
