She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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