You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
