I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
