Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
