So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
