I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
