She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
