i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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