I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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