It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
