Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
