I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
