She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
