wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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