i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
