The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
