I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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