I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize