pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
