Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
