He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
