You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
