..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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