Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
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