Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Two words: blizzard sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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