There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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