last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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