I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
