if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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