I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
