Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have already put on my inside pants.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
