plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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