i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
