It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
