I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
