you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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