one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
