i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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